so i figured i would post that Valerian review now...spoilers ahead.
holy shit, what a movie.
the last time i felt this way watching a film in a theater was Suicide Squad. for a movie with such a great, eye-opening trailer, it really ended up being a monumental shit-show. like, a historically bad film. let me explain, from the beginning.
so i walk into this theater with my lady. we ate a cookie each and shared part of a joint in the car right before going in. get our tix, get some drinks, and head into the theater...it's like 9:40. the showtime was 9:30, so with 15 mins of trailers they're supposed to start around 9:45. we sit down in some fancy recliner chairs, and nothing's on. then randomly the trailers abruptly start, but the volume's really quiet and then off-sync. we wait for them to figure their shit out upstairs, but after 5 mins of this the actual screen freezes up and they have to literally restart the fucking computer they're playing this on. i noticed they're still using like Windows XP as their OS, cause i could see the fucking taskbar on the bottom of the screen just chilling out for another 5 mins. the lights come back on, and the window above opens; the projectionist sticks his head out like the door guy from the Wizard of Oz, and yells down to us, "Sorry folks, having some technical difficulties. We're gonna skip through a couple trailers and get things back on track"
we're like, wtf. never had that happen to me in a theater my entire life...and of all the times, of course it had to be then, right as these cookies were kicking in. so anyway, they reset the system, and i should've recognized that as an omen for what i was about to experience.
we put on our 3D glasses, open up our $4 Sour Patch Kids, and see the title card come up. i feel like i'm watching a video game cut scene as it shows these weird alien creatures on a beach. they show this CG alien pet thing that shits pearls or something, and it dawns on me: i have no idea who this movie's audience is. i thought i was watching another Avatar type film, but here in the first 2 mins of the movie i'm seeing this doe-eyed alien that is totally pandering to children ages 3-8. immediately my heart sinks...i've been here before. Episode One felt like this -- and i was 7 when that came out. now i'm 25, watching a cartoon hedgehog shitting diamonds into a fountain. needless to say, i have no clue what's going on.
so their planet gets destroyed or something, then it cuts to a guy on a beach. i think to myself, 'that's a nice shot -- maybe that's what i'm supposed to pay attention to, it's a feast for the eyes type of film'. awesome, that's what i was promised in the trailers. instead, i get this scene where this wannabe Keanu Reeves gives the worst monotone, ham-fisted exposition with this poor supermodel that is just trying her best to play believably off of this replicant of a man. i actually wondered to myself if that was gonna be the twist, like maybe he actually is a fucking robot...but no, his acting is just that bad. he really just sounds like that...through the whole movie. this guy is supposed to be our Chris Pratt. what the fuck indeed.
so then some shit happens, they end up in this desert to steal this pearl or whatever...because the whole catch is that there's a crazy, seedy underground city in the desert -- but it's in another dimension, so tourists go there and whatever.
fast forward one moderately decent action scene later, and we're back on a ship dealing with these two assholes as our lead characters. i'm just sitting in my chair, i look over to my right and my girlfriend is curled up in a ball sleeping in her fancy recliner chair. i get up to go get another beer.
i come back like 8 mins later and they're still in the same fucking scene talking about some forced, inane bullshit romance they're trying to mash in our faces on top of all the action and fx and sci-fi...i think to myself, Episode Two felt like this -- and i was 10 when that came out. now i'm 25, watching possibly the shittiest leading man i've seen since Tommy Wisseau trying to convince a supermodel to marry him.
i couldn't even tell you what happens, it's all so fucking boring and pointless...but eventually i reach this zen mode while i watch it. somehow, against all odds, i'm still enjoying this film -- for literally ALL the wrong reasons lol. i'm laughing at this film now; the last time i laughed at a movie like this was Suicide Squad. so once i realized what i was in for, i just sat back and tried to enjoy the experience for what it was. then, *record scratch* Rihanna shows up...
one very, very long striptease dance scene later, she tries conning Keanu into something but he doesn't buy it. then she says she's a real actor, and asks if he likes Shakespeare or something haha...then she quotes Shakespeare. the guy says something like, "wow, you're such an amazing actress. i love your performance"
and Rihanna's like, smiling back, saying "thank you -- thank you!"
and i'm sitting in my seat, watching this happen on screen, and it's almost like there's not even a movie happening. it's like the Keanu actor guy is literally just complimenting Rihanna on her acting.
i'm stunned...i didn't realize it was gonna get like this. there was no comparison to the Prequels for this moment in cinema history. so for some reason they team up and break out of the sex hut Rihanna was working in i guess, but then Rihanna switches form into this blue, goopy squid monster. but here's the thing: they keep Rihanna's voice exactly the same.
so at this point i've reached a weird, bad film nirvana where fucking Rihanna is voice-acting for a blue tentacle monster in a film that's not a Seth Rogen comedy. at this point, despite all the shit i dealt with getting into the theater and trying to figure out where i'm supposed to get my money's worth for the ticket price, i realize that this scene is the money shot.
if for no other reason, you need to see this film to see this scene...it's fucking surreal, in 2017 to see something this bad on screen...i gotta tell ya, it's a real treat.
then, the best part -- Rihanna dies hahahaha. like immediately after this scene, she just dies for no fucking reason and everyone pretends to be all sad and dramatic about it even though they just met her 15 mins ago. and then they move on, and the movie goes on for like another hour lol. it gets to a point where i wonder if all that Rihanna shit ever happened, or if i was actually that high.
spoilers: i wasn't.
it did happen. and that's really where my review ends; it's just an amazing watch, probably the worst movie i've seen in theaters this decade...like, fucking incredibly bad. but the whole bit with Rihanna cemented this film in my brain as one of the best worst movies ever made.
i should've known after seeing the reviews on TV..."critics are raving"; "_____ gives it a near perfect score!"; "go see the movie event of the decade"; "the next Avatar"; etc.
the one rule of thumb i totally forgot to abide by was, if a movie gets praise like ^ this in TV spots, it's probably because it's a monumental flop.
TL;DR 10/10 would recommend